From Grief to Gratitude

Overcoming Grief and Depression from Loss

Grief is a natural human reaction to loss; loss of a loved one, a relationship, a job, a lifestyle, a home etc. Physical illness can cause grief due to the challenges that come from sickness such as being in constant pain and the numerous doctor visits, for example.

I studied the five stages of grief in my psychology class when I was in college several years ago. What stood out most for me was the fact that grief is a defense mechanism. In other words, a way to cope with one’s feelings and negative emotions.

The 5 Stages of Grief

The Denial Stage: Here is when the person experiencing loss may think, “This can’t be real, I must be dreaming! She or He can’t be gone!” I believe this is the state when defense first begins to take root in order to protect us from our emotions that are flooding our minds and bodies and sense of reality all at once.

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Once we deny the loss the second stage is formed, the stage of being very angry. We become angry with the fact of the loss because we haven’t really accepted reality as of yet. Although you have denied it, a part of you knows that it has happened and that knowledge makes you angry.

3. When you have acknowledged that the loss is real because your anger has acknowledged it for you, you move into the third stage of bargaining. During this phase your thoughts are focused on what you could have done to prevent the loss. You go through many phases of could of, would of and should of. From my observations I’ve learned that many people become stuck in this stage, sometimes for years even, until guilt overcomes them and affects every aspect of their lives.

Guilt is a deep emotion that is triggered by one's own thoughts. When you perceive loss correctly, you will see that you can change your thoughts about the experience and see it from a different perspective. If you truly believe that you will see your loved one again someday, you can choose to focus your thoughts on the reunion. If you have experienced loss of a relationship, you can choose to think about how you have the opportunity to get to know yourself better through stillness and solitude. We can overcome guilt by simply changing our train of thought.

• There is a greater truth within all life experiences but one must be willing to seek that greater truth out and hold it more dearer than your pain and suffering.

• When a grieving soul is within the energies of guilt, depression is bound to come. Sadness is the beginning signs of depression. Sadness comes from thoughts of the loss being final/permanent and this acknowledgment cause depression. Depression leads to lack of energy, loss of appetite, sleep problems, bouts of crying for no reason and feelings of overwhelmness. At this stage simple daily activities such as; grocery shopping, laundry, paying bills etc. can seem like overwhelming tasks to accomplish.

• 5. The fifth stage of grief is acceptance. This is considered the final stage where you have accepted the truth of the reality of the loss. It's kinda like you exhale after holding your breath for eternity. Although you have accepted the loss you still have the work of monitoring your emotional triggers. It could be a smell, an object, or a picture of the loved one that triggers an emotion. Three of the biggest triggers are birthdays, holidays and the death day of the loved one that are huge triggers for many.

Solutions: Doing the Inner Work

1. Learn to love yourself enough to want to feel better. Some people become comfortable with their suffering and integrate it as part of themselves. Grief is a heavy burden to carry that you can choose to let go whenever you decide.

2. Grief is a negative emotion and negative emotions affect the mind, body and spirit, whereas gratitude comes from a positive state of mind. Gratitude helps you see the beauty in your life because it cultivates appreciation. Being appreciative develops a positive mind state. Is the sun shining during that moment grief is triggered? Stop a moment and be grateful for the sun’s light and warmth. Thank it for being there for you! Go for a walk and pay attention to the trees you pass by and acknowledge their uniqueness and presence. Gratitude for those moments are endless opportunities to be appreciative for the life you have been given freely from the Creator.

3. Be authentic. Be yourself. Don’t wear a mask for others to hide your grief, own it not by walking around looking sad or by becoming a victim of the experience/loss but by being appreciative of all the good moments shared with the object of your loss. For instance, if you lost a relationship through a break-up or divorce choose to think of the good moments shared with that person. If your loss is of a parent, think of the moments that brought you joy such as family vacations, or the holidays such as Christmas spent with them. If you lost a job think about how you felt when you learned that you were chosen for the position. Loss of a child is a very difficult loss to overcome. If you can remember that they are safe and in the loving arms of their creator you can get through the loss. It is important to keep in mind that your grieving should be supported by others who have lost a child. There are counseling and support groups designed just for you. Seek them out. Support is essential to the healing process after losing a child. Your authenticity will lead you to your inner peace and joy because you are appreciating the good in your life and you are accepting the lessons life has brought you.

Take a road trip alone or with close genuine friends.

Keep a gratitude journal (daily write down what you are grateful for.)

Go to the forest or mountains to self-reflect

Pray and meditate daily! Ask others to pray with and for you.

Remember the possibilities are endless!